Private has run into business problems lately, but no one does glossy porn blockbusters better. Their newest release, Mission Ass Possible, is available now for streaming or download, with a stateside DVD release slated for November.

Mission Ass Possible - Private XXX porn parody

Back cover blurb: “Secret Service Agent Ethan Cunt is on a mission to take down the most prominent figure in the underground criminal network ass-soon-ass-possible! The boss meets his match during the yearly poker game with 3 more heads of the network on a private cruise liner along the coast of the Columbian-Panama border. Packed with non-stop action, suspense and a superb plot, this big budget blockbuster has 7 scenes of hardcore sex action.”

Starring Tarra White, Sophia Santi, Brooklyn Lee, Melanie Memphis, Nataly Von and Kourtney Kane.

Private has spoofed this franchise before. In 2005 the studio made Mission Possible and Mission Possible 2.

The classic Marlon Brando romcom Last Tango in Paris got the porn parody treatment in 2001 in Private’s Lust Tango in Paris.

Lust Tango In Paris - Private XXX porn parody

Lust Tango in Paris doesn’t have much connection to the original beyond the Paris setting. Who cares? Go get the butter and enjoy.

Yesterday we told you about the brand new Official Basic Instinct Parody from Zero Tolerance.

Not surprisingly, it isn’t the first Basic Instinct porn parody. In 2007, Private gave the world Basic Sexual Instinct. The promo blurb promises “a mysterious murder, a cop and a brilliant killer who can’t resist the desire to spread her legs and flaunt her wet pussy to the world!”

Basic Sexual Instinct - Private XXX porn parody

The European cast of Basic Sexual Instinct includes Angel Dark, Jane Darling, Vanessa Smoke, Natalli Di Angelo and Justine Ashley.

In 1992, the year Basic Instinct hit theaters, Dreamland Entertainment released the Ashlyn Gere vehicle Sexual Instinct. The plot involves paintings and art galleries, no murders or ice picks. It doesn’t circulate today, but you can find the 1994 sequel Sexual Instinct 2 online (again no real tie-in to Basic Instinct, and no Ashlyn Gere this time around).

When I first saw the title Pizza Connection listed in new porn parody releases, I figured it was a French Connection parody or somehow based on the real Pizza Connection drug smuggling case.

But no, the new XXX Pizza Connection from Private is something else. The blurb explains, “Pizza Connection is a remake of the Hollywood movie You Don’t Mess with the Zohan that starred Adam Sandler as an Israeli counter terrorist who fakes his own death to follow his dream of being a hairstylist. However Pizza Connection‘s counter terrorist wants to make a new life in Italy and become a pizza chef! But to convince various beautiful female restaurant owners to give him a chance to work in their kitchens.”

Pizza Connection - Private XXX

Very confusing. Couldn’t anyone at Private think up a dirty pun on “Zohan”?

3rd Degree contributes to the 2010 porn parody parade with Official Survivor Parody. “The XXX tribe has spoken!” Contestants include Kristina Rose, London Keyes, Sara Sloane, Krissy Lynn and Jackie Daniels.

Official Survivor Parody

Not surprisingly, this isn’t the sole Survivor XXX porn parody. Back in 2002, Private gave us The Private Sex Survivors. The DVD is out-of-print, but a streaming/download version is available in our online theater.

Private followed up with a sequel in 2007, Sex Survivors II. The box cover this time mimicked the Survivor tiki-themed logo.

Private Sex Survivors II

Italian prime minister Silvio Berlusconi has faced a series of sex scandals over the last two years — an affair with an 18-year-old girl, wild parties at his island villa, flings with prostitutes.

Private embellishes the story just a little in their new political porn parody The Prime Minister’s Sex Tape (available on DVD, download or streaming at GameLink).

The Prime Minister's Sex Tape - Silvio Berlusconi XXX porn parody

The back cover blurb: “Are politics sexy? They are in Italy. The Italian Prime Minister impresses visiting foreign dignitaries with glamorous high class hookers; the result is a scandalous sex party that could bring down the government. Two journalists have evidence that the corridors of power heave with big tits, deep anal, tight DP’s and banging orgies. But be careful! You never know who is filming everything you do then selling the sex tape to the highest bidder.”

Private joined the MySpace XXX porn parody craze, added a bunch of friends, deleted Tom, and released MySexSpace in 2008. Hungarian beauty Boroka Balls scored the cover profile.

MySexSpace - Private XXX MySpace porn parody w Boroka Balls

Click the box cover for DVD info. MySexSpace is also available for download or streaming in our AEBN-powered online theater.

Crank up your vuvuzelas, Private taps into World Cup fever with the brand new XXX porn parody Private World Cup: Footballers’ Wives. The DVD comes out July 6, but GameLink (owned by Private) has it available now for streaming or download.

Bobbi Starr plays “Victoria Fuckham” (haha), Carla Cox plays “Leslie Trash” (a pun on Leslie Ash, a British actress married to former football star Lee Chapman), and Amy Brooke plays “Paris Cliton” (presumably a pun on Paris Hilton, not a footballer’s wife as far as I know). Kimberly Kane also appears.

Private World Cup: Footballers' Wives

Private celebrated the previous World Cup in similar fashion with Private Football Cup 2006, known as Private Soccer Cup 2006 in the Yanks market.

Private Soccer Cup 2006 XXX

The Fugitive - Private

After Hollywood remade 1960s TV show The Fugitive as a movie with Harrison Ford, Private jumped in with its own two-part XXX adaptation: The Fugitive and The Fugitive 2.

The Fugitive 2 XXX

The Private version doesn’t follow the TV show or movie plot. Instead it’s an original tale of an Australian hottie (played by the very beautiful Gabriella Bond) fleeing her violently jealous husband from Great Barrier reef to Sydney to the Outback.

French arty porn auteur Pierre Woodman directed both halves of The Fugitive XXX.

Play Misty For Me XXX - Bluebird Films

Play Misty For Me from Bluebird Films (released April 22) doesn’t look like a porn parody, but simply a XXX remake.

The plot synopsis sounds nearly identical to the 1971 Clint Eastwood flick, plus lots of fucking. “DJ Jerry Byrne has set a contest up to win a date with him. His number one fan is a deranged psycho slut that wants to fuck and kill him. Obviously she doesn’t win the contest, and one by one fucks and kills the winners. Her history of mental abuse has led her to the breaking point. Can anyone stop her?”

Bluebird Films is an offshoot of Private, so production values are excellent. If you’ve always thought Play Misty For Me would work better with hardcore sex scenes, here’s your chance to find out.

Paige Ashley stars as the deranged fan. Also featuring Brooke Belle, Cindy Behr, Madelyn Marie, Zoe Holloway and Nick Manning.